


Requirements

by Shadowtravelingtitans



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-21
Updated: 2017-07-21
Packaged: 2018-12-04 22:34:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11564712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowtravelingtitans/pseuds/Shadowtravelingtitans
Summary: Instead Simon finally looks at him, eyes blazing with anger and glistening with tears that are threatening to spill over. It’s a breathtaking sight, if not heart wrenching because this is not what he wanted. Answers, yes. But he forgets that Simon wears his heart on his sleeve. He has no shame in showing emotions, to him his tears are signs of strength not weakness. Jace finds himself envious at times. But now, with Simon falling apart in front of him, he thinks he’s taken it too far.





	Requirements

“My mom used to tell me that ‘you can’t love someone unless you love yourself first,’ do you believe in that?” Simon had asked. Jace didn’t bother turning around, choosing instead to hide his immediate reaction, glaring at the punching bag in front in him.

_ No, that’s stupid.  _

Is what he wanted to reply, because if that was the case then he’d never be in love. And he was in love before, Clary Fray, a hurricane that tore his world apart and left him reeling with the false news of being family. But that had dissipated, as the days went by and chaos fell upon their lives. By the time news had reached, that Clary wasn’t his sister, whatever feelings he had withered. Clary was a star, burning too bright and too quick, leaving Jace gasping for breath and feeling inadequate. They were never meant to last, and although she still believed they could Jace knew better. 

No, Jace had loved Clary and he didn’t completely like his person in those days. Now, he shuddered, now he couldn’t stand himself. Every glance at a reflective surface he saw Valentine. He saw failure. He saw himself breaking, crumbling,  _ shattering  _ into pieces because he’s not enough, he can’t do anything right, just stop trying, just  _ end it. _

And yet.

He looked over at Simon, who was still watching him curiously, ever so eager for a response, legs swinging as he sat on the edge of the ledge. 

He fell in love again, unwillingly, but just as intensely as before. Perhaps even more. He vaguely wondered how true that childhood phrase was,  _ Shadowhunters only fall in love once and it’s forever.  _ He suspects it was a lie, a way to promote good breeding within powerful families, which all seems so irrelevant now. 

Because Simon.

_ Simon. _

Is someone he knows he’ll never get over. He won’t marry a pretty Shadowhunter girl to keep the Herondale’s alive. No, he’ll mourn because he’ll never get Simon. Simon who’s smile brightens up everyone’s day. Simon who jokes and laughs and manages to find small slivers of goodness in even the worst situations. Simon Lewis who embodies everything Jace would subscribe as  _ holy and right. _

_ Sunlight _

_ Warmth _

_ Home _

_ Love _

A cough snaps Jace out of his thoughts and he becomes aware that he’s been staring at Simon for a little longer than their tentative friendship can withstand. He scoffs and turns back to the punching bag, releasing his anger and frustration of losing something he never deserved, his brain coming up with the most scathing reply to cut his losses.

“Makes sense.” He starts flatly. “If you hate yourself and you’re trying to get with someone, you probably only want to use them”  _ Lies,  _ his mind whispers, but he presses on. “Which really just makes you a bastard, ya know, using people to fix yourself and then blaming them when it falls apart. If you can’t love yourself, you’ll end up destroying the person you do love. Burning them out.” His mind screams at him to stop, but he’s on a roll, this is how it should be. He needs to remind himself he’s dangerous and that he shouldn’t ruin a good thing like Simon. “You’re a monster if you drag someone down and call it love.” He finishes with a well placed punch that leaves the bag shaking and the air in the room heavy with his confession.

With his back turned he continues on the punching bag, signifying the end of this conversation. With his back turn he misses the way Simon’s face crumbles, body tense as if attacked. He misses the quick swipe of his hand across his eyes and the unnecessary shuddered breath he takes. He misses how quickly Simon disappears from the training room, until he turns back to notice a vacancy on the ledge. 

An uneasy feeling rests heavy in his stomach as he begins to think the question may have been something different.

* * *

 

The uneasy feeling grows stronger as each day passes and he doesn’t see Simon. Simon, who surprising didn’t blame him for what happened in the Seelie Court. Simon who started hanging around Jace when Clary refused to confront the truth and Simon who despite his life being in danger held onto their secret like it was a prized jewel, an oath Jace didn’t realize meant so much to the vampire till then. 

Which is how he finds himself in front on the boathouse. Staring at the dingy door and hoping that the vampire is in his bed, sleeping, and not kidnapped somewhere and dying.

He skips the formalities and busts in without knocking, and, of course Simon doesn’t lock his door. Why would he. It’s not like they’re people trying to kill him for a variety of reasons.

When he’s finally inside he notices that the bed is empty, fear spiking immediately, before turning to the side to see Simon next to his musical equipment, headphones in place and hunched over his guitar playing the cords to a song that Jace couldn’t recognize.

He watched him for a few minutes as he meticulously ran his fingers through the cords, humming along to the rhythm he’d created. It was a somber song and the pit in Jace’s stomach grew.

He walked over to Simon, opting to just stand in front of him instead of tapping him on the shoulder. Either way it seemed that Simon’s reaction was a surprised shout and promptly flailing off the stool he sat on.

“Wha..Jace? What brings you to casa Lewis?” He exclaimed as he maneuvered himself into a standing position, placing the guitar gently down on the rack beside him. Jace let his eyes roam his body, subconsciously checking for injuries before stopping at his eyes.

“You’ve been avoiding me.” He stated, bluntly, because now was not the time to ease his way into a Simon Lewis convo. He needed answers and he needed the sinking feeling in his stomach to go away.

He watched as Simon sputtered, clearly caught off guard by the question. He fumbled with the edge of his hoodie, his gaze pointing downwards.

“I don’t, I don’t, I don’t get what you mean? I’m not, not avoiding you. I’ve been...busy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, like super busy...with, with, with, you know the solo career and the whole secret Daylighter thing, which really isn’t a secret anymore cause like, everyone knows and stuff, which is actually kinda worrisome, but-”

“Simon.” He interrupted. He was derailing the conversation, a smart trick Jace realizes, just not efficient. Still. Jace let out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding and he ran his hand through his hair.

“Is this. Is this about what I said the other day?” He asked. He watched as Simon stopped fidgeting with the hoodie and clench his fists, somehow shrinking into himself even more. He kept his head down, opting to look at the guitar on the stand. 

“Jace, it’s fine. Really, I just wanted an opinion and you delivered.” He replies, his voice small and light trying to brush the topic off as if they were discussing dinner options instead of whatever this really was. He hears him laugh, forced and strained.

“Look, I get it, it’s fine.” The pit in his stomach is lead in his stomach at this point and he’s slowly piecing together this torn picture.

“Why did you ask me? You know how I feel about love, the whole ‘destroy and be destroyed’ thing ring a bell.” He pushes, cause that’s all he knows how to do. He needs Simon to tell him what wrong. He needs happy Simon who laughs and jokes and occasionally snorts while falling off a chair. He needs the pit in stomach gone, it’s weight dragging him down and the last week without Simon to cheer him up have been devastating. Like being forced to sit indoors on a bright sunny day.

Simon, scoffs, head still down, His fists are white, whiter than normal for a vampire, especially a Daylighter. His body has tensed up and Jace can feel the spark of electricity taunt in the air. He’s close to the real answer he wants from Simon, can feel it in the way Simon’s shoulders are bunched up to his neck, so tense that he almost expects them to shatter if hit head on.

“Fuck, Jace.” He shakes his head. “I get it. Okay, I’m sorry for asking. Anything else?” He snaps and Jace can’t help but grit his teeth. Simon is still avoiding the root of the issue, hell Jace doesn’t know why he’s having such a problem with this. Surely Simon knew how Jace viewed himself, a monster, an experiment who’s been broken down by Valentine and battle and every other shitty thing in his life. Simon’s anger and avoidance is uncalled for, he already knew what Jace was made of.

“Why are angry at me? I meant what I said, broken people can’t love. You’re a monster if you drag someone down and call it love.” He shouts.  _ I’m a monster who can’t love you without hurting you.  _

He expects Simon to roll his eyes. Angry that he’s still as negative and self-depreciating as before. He expects Simon to agree and tell him to fuck off and never speak to him again. He expects a snarky remark or a quip about how he needs to get over himself. 

Instead Simon finally looks at him, eyes blazing with anger and glistening with tears that are threatening to spill over. It’s a breathtaking sight, if not heart wrenching because this is not what he wanted. Answers, yes. But he forgets that Simon wears his heart on his sleeve. He has no shame in showing emotions, to him his tears are signs of strength not weakness. Jace finds himself envious at times. But now, with Simon falling apart in front of him, he thinks he’s taken it too far.

“I get it, Jace! I know I’m a monster! You can stop reminding me!” He snaps and Jace takes a step back at the anger Simon spits out. It takes a second, but once the words sink in, the pieces fall into place. 

_ No _

“Simon.” He whispers. He can’t believe it. Simon, the brightest part of his day. Simon whose smile lights up the room and whose laugh has become one of Jace’s favorite sounds.

“Simon, you’re not a monster.” Simon backs up, laughing but it’s humorless. A choked sound if anything else. Jace wants to reach out and reassure him, tell he’s not a monster till his voice is raw and hoarse. But the tears are running down his cheeks now and Jace has to resist the urge to cup the boy’s face and wipe them away.

“Not a monster.” He says, more to himself than Jace. “I drink blood to survive, Jace. I have fangs and I can’t be around the living too long cause the sound of blood drives me insane and the sound of heartbeats makes my dead one ache. I’m the reason my mom had a relapse in her drinking, I drank from a mundane after the fucking Seelie Court bullshit.” He yelled and yelled, before deflating, all the anger seemingly gone from his bones.

“I killed someone.” He whispered, the confession heavy as it filtered through air around them. “How can I look my mom in the eye? Rebecca? Bubbie Helen? How can I look at myself? All I see is this monster, this blood drinking, life stealing leech. I’m what you kill, Jace. That’s all I am anymore.” He sits on his bed and Jace sees himself. Broken, beaten, eyes dark and lifeless, no will to make it another day, no courage to end his life in anyway but battle. 

“You and mom were right.  You really can’t love someone unless you love yourself first. ” He says, his voice small and Jace feels it. The anger that was in Simon moments ago must have crossed the threshold because it is hot. Burning in his veins because Simon doesn’t get to decide if Jace doesn’t want this,  _ want him.  _

“You really want to know what I think about that?” He snaps, his voice tight with anger he’s trying to keep at bay. But if anyone can piss him off it’s definitely Simon. The vampire looks at him in shock, surprise clear in his brown eyes. The tears haven’t stopped and his face is blotchy, another aspect of being a Daylighter and Jace wants him.

“It’s bullshit, absolute bullshit.” He continues the anger slowly turning into a territory of emotion he does not like indulging in. Has spent years repressing because  _ it’s weak, it’s foolish, it’ll destroy.  _ And all Jace can see is Simon, Simon, Simon. And if anyone can destroy him,  _ let him. _

“ I have never loved myself. I’ve never been allowed to love myself, always told that love was the worst weapon humanity had achieved.” He presses on, his voice wavering from frustration, anger, and fear. 

“But you. You, fucking Simon Lewis.” He grits out, his throat suddenly filled with a lump of emotion.  “Oh god,” He voice breaks and he feels his eyes well up and his chest is heavy and he can’t breathe, but he has to say it. He needs to.

“I’ve loved you so much I forgot what hating myself felt like. ” He finally gets out, voice watery and rough. 

In a blink of an eye Jace’s face is the one being cupped and the hands are cold, but he doesn’t mind it. He feels his hands wrap around Simon’s wrists and for a moment it’s quiet. The air is stilled and Jace is mesmerized by the younger boy’s eyes. Vulnerable and open, and so welcoming that Jace is determined that if he could choose a way to die, it’d be to drown in those eyes.

“I just. I never thought I was good enough for you. First because I was a mundane and I couldn’t compete with you. Now, I’m a vampire and I’m damned and you’re an actual angel. I’m not worthy of you.”

Jace shakes his head. “I don’t want good enough, or great, or perfect. I just want you, Simon. Only you. I don’t care that you’re a vampire, Simon. You’re worthy, I’m sorry that I ever made you feel any different.”

Simon looks at him like he can’t believe, still doesn’t believe it. And for the first time he wonders if perhaps there is more sadness to Simon than what he shows everyone around. A darker, morose side. Broken, just like Jace. 

“Jace.” Simon whispers and maybe it the way he says it. Wrecked and disbelieving. Vulnerability dripping out of it, pouring on to the ground beneath them. Either way, Jace leans down to press his lips to the brown eyed boy, hoping that Simon can feel how much Jace loves him through this, through the pressure of his finger tips on the inside of his wrists.

Simon’s hands fall from his cheeks to his neck, one thumb on his jaw and the other making it’s way to the hair’s on the nape of Jace’s neck. The hands on Simon’s wrists fall away to rest, one at his hip and the other to snake across his back, bringing him closer to Jace broad chest. 

He is almost sure that this is heaven. Kissing Simon is heaven. Holding Simon Lewis is heaven. And he’s not sure for how long they stay like that, exploring each other’s mouths and holding onto each other, but when it’s over the rest their foreheads together. Simon’s breathe mingles with him and Jace smiles to himself. He doesn’t understand how someone who acts so painfully mundane at times could ever see themselves as a monster. Then again, Simon also saw something wonderful in him even when Jace could only see destruction and ruin. And maybe that’s what they needed.

“I can’t save you.” He starts and he feels Simon tense up in his arms. The hand that rests on his hip begins rubbing small circles, a soothing gesture and Simon relaxes a bit. 

“I can’t save you, I can’t fix you. Just like you can’t fix me. But,” He removes the hand that was across Simon’s back and places it on his neck instead. “We can save ourselves. We can save ourselves and I’ll support you and you’ll support me. Okay, I’ll help you and you’ll help me. And it won’t be easy, not even close, but I want to try. Yeah?” He holds his breath, watching Simon’s eyes with his own, staring back at him. 

“Yeah.” Simon answers after a beat, voice soft and low. A breath between the space between them. Jace smiled.

“Yeah.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Someone asked JimonDaily if there was a fic of the infamous "You can't love someone until you love yourself. Bullshit, I have never loved myself. But you, Oh God, I loved you so much I forgot what hating myself felt like." 
> 
> Voilá, c'est fini.


End file.
